That's right, I am a healthy fattie! Now to work on being a healthy skinnie!
I received my blood work results back from my Doctor in the mail yesterday. The doctor noted, "All results all were normal, but please move more for general health." aka get your fat ass exercising more.
She was very curious to see my results, especially my cholesterol levels. Also my TSH (thyroid) since I originally was having issues with my thyroid. As I always said, I may be fat but I've always been healthy and now have the blood work to prove it! I do find it odd that last year, my thyroid levels were off the chart and I was the only fat person (ok over exaggerating a bit) that was Hyperthyroid. Then I was put on meds and gained a ton of weight and voila now I'm Hypothyroid. Then I look for new doctors, stop all meds and all is good now? Strange.
Now I am a bit anxious to see what my pap smear will come back to say. That's my other issue. I have no had a period since all my thyroid issues started and this has been since December/January. It is now almost May. That's not cool. I've never ever had trouble with my period, always very regular (sorry for the TMI). Only thing I could think of was the initial fast weight gain and stress I as under didn't help. Now my doctor mentioned possible ovarian cysts. Again, odd how that would show out of no where but what do I know. Hopefully my whhoohaaa is a happy whoohaaa!
So from here, I'm continuing to focus on ME. I joined my favorite ($$$) gym for just a month while I'm still out of work. My friend works there pt and has been sneaking me in to Zumba but its getting to be too much to ask. I figured while I'm still out I might as well work out as much as I can. And I love their classes, so many to choose from and I can Zumba even more :-) My goal right now is to get back under 300lbs as soon as reasonably possible. No reason why I am as fat as I am but stress and eating over the past year. I must say though, 2 weeks of working out I'm already feeling better and it will only get better from here. I still have those fattie issues of not being able to imagine myself at a healthy weight. I think, will my tree stump of legs ever shrink? My stomach ever go back down? But I'm trying to tell myself not to think of it and just let it happen....
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Weigh In Week 2
Today was my second weigh in while back on Weight Watchers and the number is.....................
-1.6lbs! I'll take it! So 2 week loss= -8.6lbs! word!
I have to admit, I've been sloppy this week logging my food. Plus have had a weird eating pattern most of the week. I've mostly NOT been hungry then eating alot at night. Then of all nights to get cravings and have a "binge" it had to be last night.
Journaling has been another tough thing for me, not sure why. I think I need to go back to planning my day a head of time. When I lost weight last time, I had a busy schedule and always planned my entire day the night before and stuck to it. Now I have time on my hands, I've been getting bored, I've been munching and not being true to what I have ate. I must say I LOVE WW Mobile App for my iPhone, it does make adding things easy, so easy I just need to keep doing it.
I also am going to start planning, so I purchased a 3 month planner at my meeting today. Also, I've heard people talk about a cover for the planners and we finally had them back in stock! So cute, makes things a little more fun. They had the design I got below, or plain blue.
-1.6lbs! I'll take it! So 2 week loss= -8.6lbs! word!
I have to admit, I've been sloppy this week logging my food. Plus have had a weird eating pattern most of the week. I've mostly NOT been hungry then eating alot at night. Then of all nights to get cravings and have a "binge" it had to be last night.
Journaling has been another tough thing for me, not sure why. I think I need to go back to planning my day a head of time. When I lost weight last time, I had a busy schedule and always planned my entire day the night before and stuck to it. Now I have time on my hands, I've been getting bored, I've been munching and not being true to what I have ate. I must say I LOVE WW Mobile App for my iPhone, it does make adding things easy, so easy I just need to keep doing it.
I also am going to start planning, so I purchased a 3 month planner at my meeting today. Also, I've heard people talk about a cover for the planners and we finally had them back in stock! So cute, makes things a little more fun. They had the design I got below, or plain blue.
My goals for the week are:
1) Plan and journal! Everything, every last BLT (bite,lick and taste)
2) Exercise. I've been taking Zumba 2 days a week, now I just need to get back into my walking habit. I LOVE to walk...plus doctors orders :-(
3) WATER WATER WATER! I have never had trouble getting all my water in and I have not been drinking nearly as much as I need. Water always makes me feel better and lose better.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
20-20-20
Today I took 20-20-20 class at the gym for the first time in over a year.
20 minutes aerobics.. high intensity, no stopping
20 minutes weights...light aerobic moves focusing on hand weights/arms
20 minutes abs..which turns into abs AND push ups
I love this class. This class kicked my ass hard today! Luis the instructor makes it all worth while. I used take his step aerobics and it was the best. He makes the class. He looks 30, but its I believe more like 60!!!!! We made him show us his id one day! He's full of energy, knows when he needs to check on you and is just awesome. Oh and might I add I don't belong to this gym but my friend has been getting me in since she works there. I used to belong but can't justify the money. Though since I'm out of work I might do a monthly membership, her idea today and a great idea!
I sweated my ass off. I remember picking up a new towel at Target specifically for the gym and it has seemed to disappear already. Or maybe just lost in the mound of laundry I need to do?
Running Diva Mom is doing a give-a-way on her blog for fun sport towels called Words to Sweat By http://www.wordstosweatby.com/ They are reasonably price and have fun sayings. Go check out her blog and the website!!
20 minutes aerobics.. high intensity, no stopping
20 minutes weights...light aerobic moves focusing on hand weights/arms
20 minutes abs..which turns into abs AND push ups
I love this class. This class kicked my ass hard today! Luis the instructor makes it all worth while. I used take his step aerobics and it was the best. He makes the class. He looks 30, but its I believe more like 60!!!!! We made him show us his id one day! He's full of energy, knows when he needs to check on you and is just awesome. Oh and might I add I don't belong to this gym but my friend has been getting me in since she works there. I used to belong but can't justify the money. Though since I'm out of work I might do a monthly membership, her idea today and a great idea!
I sweated my ass off. I remember picking up a new towel at Target specifically for the gym and it has seemed to disappear already. Or maybe just lost in the mound of laundry I need to do?
Running Diva Mom is doing a give-a-way on her blog for fun sport towels called Words to Sweat By http://www.wordstosweatby.com/ They are reasonably price and have fun sayings. Go check out her blog and the website!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Girls on the Run (GOTR)
Thank you to Running Diva Mom, one of my first blog readers for mentioning this great organization, Girls on the Run. Learn more here http://www.girlsontherun.org/ You can check to see if there are any local chapters in your area (Glens Falls, NY for me) and how you can get involved.
I've always wanted to be a runner, I admire all you who do run. I guess you could say I'm a runner at heart... buried behind all the fat. When I was at my lowest weight, about 2 years ago ,I started running slowly. I am a walker, a crazy walker at that. I participated 3 years ago in a 60 mile, 3 Day walk to help fight breast cancer in Boston http://www.the3day.org/. I trained so hard for this walk and it was the most rewarding thing I've done so far, for myself and others. I plan on doing it again soon.
Diva Mom has posted on her blog, http://runningdivamom.blogspot.com/ a virtual race. It is only 1 mile.. ONE MILE. I couldn't tell you the last I ran a mile without stopping but I'm up for the challenge (a challenge for me anyways). All she asked was at least $1 donation towards her marathon which she is doing to support GOTR. So I took the plunge, made a donation (you are welcome) to commit to the race and am going to work on putting a little more running into my walks each day. Stay tuned for my blog mid-May about the race!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Weigh In and doctor day
Yesterday was a nerve wrecking da for me..... First weigh in (yes AGAIN) then directly after my first appointment with a psychiartrist. I was nervous, excited, anxious and everything inbetween.
First was weigh in. I got to meeting place and was getting more anxious so I started my shakes. Funny, just what I was going to doctor for next. So when I stepped on the scale he receptionists says "stand still!!" I said (not too rudely) I C-A-N-T. I told her I could step off and try it again and she said no I can do it manually. Ok manualy from me sanding on ground? Taking an average the of numbers you were seeing? Finally she writes a number down.....
-7.0 lbs! yes! I quesitoned that number (was it more? was it less) but from my scale I had checked it seemd to be just about right. I guess we'll see what next week!
From Weight Watchers I had to run out to my first meeting with the Psychiatrist. I arrived early as they requested. 10:10am I got out of my car at at 10:50am I was STILL filling out work. Of course that made half of my hand writing a mess. The doctor, err well nurse practitioner I met with was nice. We talked about what I thought was causing this stress and anxiety right now, etc etc. Finally she decided she wanted me back on the Xanax a few times a day and now Zoloft at night. We talked about weight gain, I told her that was another underlying demon of me not happy with me. Some of the meds could make me gain, or want to eat. She was happy to hear I was going to WW and learning how to eat and controlling it which should help. Welbutrin, another depression medication was a possibility. It would help me LOSE the weight, but she didn't want to try that just yet because a side effect was seizures....
Now I just need to contact a therapist and find one I like and start sessions. Otherwise, she agrees, I should be out and away from work as long as I can while I'm in treatment. I have orders to take care of me. I think I can handle that right now :-)
First was weigh in. I got to meeting place and was getting more anxious so I started my shakes. Funny, just what I was going to doctor for next. So when I stepped on the scale he receptionists says "stand still!!" I said (not too rudely) I C-A-N-T. I told her I could step off and try it again and she said no I can do it manually. Ok manualy from me sanding on ground? Taking an average the of numbers you were seeing? Finally she writes a number down.....
-7.0 lbs! yes! I quesitoned that number (was it more? was it less) but from my scale I had checked it seemd to be just about right. I guess we'll see what next week!
From Weight Watchers I had to run out to my first meeting with the Psychiatrist. I arrived early as they requested. 10:10am I got out of my car at at 10:50am I was STILL filling out work. Of course that made half of my hand writing a mess. The doctor, err well nurse practitioner I met with was nice. We talked about what I thought was causing this stress and anxiety right now, etc etc. Finally she decided she wanted me back on the Xanax a few times a day and now Zoloft at night. We talked about weight gain, I told her that was another underlying demon of me not happy with me. Some of the meds could make me gain, or want to eat. She was happy to hear I was going to WW and learning how to eat and controlling it which should help. Welbutrin, another depression medication was a possibility. It would help me LOSE the weight, but she didn't want to try that just yet because a side effect was seizures....
Now I just need to contact a therapist and find one I like and start sessions. Otherwise, she agrees, I should be out and away from work as long as I can while I'm in treatment. I have orders to take care of me. I think I can handle that right now :-)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Zumba!!!
I love Zumba!!
I took my second class last night, the first at this dance studio. Actually, a friend from high school who I have not seen in years is turning into a Zumba master! She is teaching more and more classes which is great. Then I met another one of our classmates there to take the class. How did we get in touch with each other, Facebook of course!
Zumba is the perfect work out for me right now. I've obviously gained alot of weight and have a hard time doing what I used to be able to do. That's been something hard for me to deal with.... but I'm getting better at it. Zumba let's you feel ok modifying moves because you are still shaking it, it gets your heart beat going (and going and going) and lets you feel fun and flirty. So not only are you getting a work out... you are shaking things you haven't shaked in a long time and learning some new dance moves! We were all some "hot little mamacitas" last night!
Since I've joined Weight Watchers again and have been moving more and more I FINALLY got my HRM (heart rate monitor) battery replaced. It's been months since I've used it. As you can see from the picture below, I was not happy to move my weight to 348lbs. I liked the number that was still stored in there from where I left off.. 261lbs *sigh* I will be there again!
1 hour of Zumba= 528 calories burned! Sawweeeett! I was happy with that. I did break a sweat and did modify what I couldn't do here and there. I now have a new fun way to work out which is going to be key for me. This is something I love and will continue to take at least 1 class a week!
I am lucky that another friend of mine has a Zumba class at her gym. that was the first class I took last week. I LOVE her gym. I was a member for a while. It's so convenient for me, 2 ft from my work, new, beautiful and sooo many options. Downfall, the $47 a month membership. Ouch. My friend is smart, she works there 2 days a week and gets her membership free. This is something I'm going to look into once I can work agian. Anywhoo she snuck me in to her class next week and will again tomorrow morning. I really enjoyed her class, the leader had some different moves than the class I took last night which was nice. Also, gotta enjoy the range of ages (20-80, yes 80 year olds) taking this class and shaking what they got to "Apple bottom jeans, boot with the fur, with fur...."
I took my second class last night, the first at this dance studio. Actually, a friend from high school who I have not seen in years is turning into a Zumba master! She is teaching more and more classes which is great. Then I met another one of our classmates there to take the class. How did we get in touch with each other, Facebook of course!
Zumba is the perfect work out for me right now. I've obviously gained alot of weight and have a hard time doing what I used to be able to do. That's been something hard for me to deal with.... but I'm getting better at it. Zumba let's you feel ok modifying moves because you are still shaking it, it gets your heart beat going (and going and going) and lets you feel fun and flirty. So not only are you getting a work out... you are shaking things you haven't shaked in a long time and learning some new dance moves! We were all some "hot little mamacitas" last night!
Since I've joined Weight Watchers again and have been moving more and more I FINALLY got my HRM (heart rate monitor) battery replaced. It's been months since I've used it. As you can see from the picture below, I was not happy to move my weight to 348lbs. I liked the number that was still stored in there from where I left off.. 261lbs *sigh* I will be there again!
1 hour of Zumba= 528 calories burned! Sawweeeett! I was happy with that. I did break a sweat and did modify what I couldn't do here and there. I now have a new fun way to work out which is going to be key for me. This is something I love and will continue to take at least 1 class a week!I am lucky that another friend of mine has a Zumba class at her gym. that was the first class I took last week. I LOVE her gym. I was a member for a while. It's so convenient for me, 2 ft from my work, new, beautiful and sooo many options. Downfall, the $47 a month membership. Ouch. My friend is smart, she works there 2 days a week and gets her membership free. This is something I'm going to look into once I can work agian. Anywhoo she snuck me in to her class next week and will again tomorrow morning. I really enjoyed her class, the leader had some different moves than the class I took last night which was nice. Also, gotta enjoy the range of ages (20-80, yes 80 year olds) taking this class and shaking what they got to "Apple bottom jeans, boot with the fur, with fur...."
Monday, April 12, 2010
The dreaded before pictures
Here are the dreaded before pics! ick! The quality isn't the best; we took these tonight with my iPhone. I do have a new camera on order, finally! I should hopefully get it at the end of this week/beginning of next. It's funny how you don't miss having a camera and being in pictures or even taking pictures when you are fat. I have not had a camera since I sold my old in our garage sale last summer! oh and please don't mind the best/background. We'll work in that next time...
Front picture @ 348lbs
Side picture @ 348lbs
Front picture @ 348lbs
Side picture @ 348lbs
And the verdict is............
I. Am. Fat!
Ok well that was no surprise. I knew that already and have been ok with it and ready to tackle it. Today was day one and hopefully for the last and finally effing time. I went to my Weight Watcher meeting as planned. It felt good. I really like my leader Carolyn. I think I can relate to her alot. She mentioned that when she lost all her weight (not sure of lbs but she mentioned today she started out in a size 26 and is a 8/10 now, you do the math) it was the 8th time she had tried WW'ers. yes! that is me too- give or take a few times, I've lost track over the years.
I got on the scale and braced myself for the number .I already knew it was super high. My scale at home won't weigh me. Yeah it sucks. And on that note, what sucks more is husband agreed to let me buy the Wii Fit so while I'm home during these couple of weeks away from work so I could start building my strength back up.... I'm too fat for the Wii Fit. True Story.
Max weight= 330lbs. Sad, so sad.
And the verdict for today........ 348lbs. Wow. That is just crazy. I know some of that is my fault but alot of it is my thyroid problem(s) and whatever else has been wrong with me in the past year. That is when most of the weight piled on, at least 60lbs or so.Though I was doing a good job of gaining before that too. So my first goal is going to be under 330lbs so I can use my damn Wii Fit! Then from there to be back under 3oolbs and eventually back to where I left off around 235lbs. Also, I look forward to weighing less than my hubby again. That felt awesome! That should be around the 250's (I think?)
Pics to follow.....
Sunday, April 11, 2010
A Repeat Offender
Confession. I am a Repeat Offender.
Tomorrow, I am going back to join Weight Watchers for the ohhh 8th? 9th? time, at least. After much thought and disgust with myself I know I need to do something, and now. I thought of other programs, other things I could do to lose the weight, but I know Weight Watchers works and I know how to work the program. Heck, I lost about 75lbs a few years ago, so why cant I do it again, plus more!
I've spent the last few days eating crap. I can feel it. I feel beyond disgusting. I hate this feeling. I can honestly say I have not had the belly hunger grumbles in a LONG time. If I had any such feeling, food went into my mouth... fast. Then the I feel so gross and nasty, etc etc feeling was back. I'm trying to learn to deal with my eating and cravings and learn all over again how to eat. I started to read a book, on overeating. Many different people I know have recommended and it's been sitting on my night stand for... well lets just say some time now. It's called, The Art of Overeating by David Kessler. http://tinyurl.com/ybxqxzv So far so good. I'm hoping to learn a few good lessons to help me through this journey... again.
Then tonight, after making dinner on our new grill! yum! I attacked the kitchen. I need organization on my life in order to take care of me. Funny it may sound but if my life is a mess and crazy, so am I and so is my eating. The kitchen. Oy. Man it needed a good cleaning anyways... and still does. I cleared out the fridge . Scary yet satisfying. My husband ending up with 4 large bags of garbage from me cleaning not only the fridge, but the freezer and some random cabinet items. So to get me started tomorrow, its off to a good start. I still need to clean more, deeper, organize more and buy some new gadgets. Gadgets are also fun when you are losing weight- so far I picked up a Hawaiian girl cheese grater at Marshalls. it. is. awesome. (Pic to follow soon as I need to invest in new camera too booo). So while i'm out tomorrow I think a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond is in order.
Gadget heaven, here I come!
Weight Watchers, here I come!
The new (old me), here I come... .to find you again!
(Yeah that was a little cheesey, but I was feeling the motivation :-P)
Tomorrow, I am going back to join Weight Watchers for the ohhh 8th? 9th? time, at least. After much thought and disgust with myself I know I need to do something, and now. I thought of other programs, other things I could do to lose the weight, but I know Weight Watchers works and I know how to work the program. Heck, I lost about 75lbs a few years ago, so why cant I do it again, plus more!
I've spent the last few days eating crap. I can feel it. I feel beyond disgusting. I hate this feeling. I can honestly say I have not had the belly hunger grumbles in a LONG time. If I had any such feeling, food went into my mouth... fast. Then the I feel so gross and nasty, etc etc feeling was back. I'm trying to learn to deal with my eating and cravings and learn all over again how to eat. I started to read a book, on overeating. Many different people I know have recommended and it's been sitting on my night stand for... well lets just say some time now. It's called, The Art of Overeating by David Kessler. http://tinyurl.com/ybxqxzv So far so good. I'm hoping to learn a few good lessons to help me through this journey... again.
Then tonight, after making dinner on our new grill! yum! I attacked the kitchen. I need organization on my life in order to take care of me. Funny it may sound but if my life is a mess and crazy, so am I and so is my eating. The kitchen. Oy. Man it needed a good cleaning anyways... and still does. I cleared out the fridge . Scary yet satisfying. My husband ending up with 4 large bags of garbage from me cleaning not only the fridge, but the freezer and some random cabinet items. So to get me started tomorrow, its off to a good start. I still need to clean more, deeper, organize more and buy some new gadgets. Gadgets are also fun when you are losing weight- so far I picked up a Hawaiian girl cheese grater at Marshalls. it. is. awesome. (Pic to follow soon as I need to invest in new camera too booo). So while i'm out tomorrow I think a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond is in order.
Gadget heaven, here I come!
Weight Watchers, here I come!
The new (old me), here I come... .to find you again!
(Yeah that was a little cheesey, but I was feeling the motivation :-P)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My first post...errr book?
Welcome to Confessions of Ro aka Repeat Offender! This blog is going to be mostly about my struggles with weight loss (and gains) but also about the struggles I face in life, in general.
I've started a blog previously following my weight loss journey but never kept up with it. I've also had freewebs pages I've created but again never kept up. I admire those of you who have created this pages/blogs to follow your weight loss journeys. They are all so motivating and I can relate to them so much sometimes. So here I am.... again. I actually have the time on my hands now to keep track of my progress and its all in good timing as I'm getting ready to start my journey yet again.
A little (or alot) background on me...
I've had much success with Weight Watchers about 3-4 years ago. I lost about 70-75lb. Wow its crazy how time flies. I was getting married and very motivated. Also, I trained for a 3 day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer which put me in the best shape of my life. After that walk, everything went downhill.
Since then life has taken over. I was newly married and as most of say, got comfortable. But then within the past year I've faced alot of medical problems. Hence why I have time now to blog, I've been out of work on short term leave for 2 weeks now and probably have another 2-3 weeks at least ahead of me.
Things started last July/August where I was so tired out of no where. I have never been so tired in my life. Then I started to not sleep at night on top of that. Then started to get weak, started to get dizzy spells, and finally blacked out while driving on the highway one morning. Luckily it was brief, the "rumble strips" snapped me out of it and I was ok.... kind of. I was very scared and that scared me to see a doctor. Very first thing my new general doctor tells me is, "you are fat and depressed." um what?? NOT what I wanted to hear right now (even though I knew it was the truth). I was told to follow a lower carb diet (yeah right) and was put on anti-depressants.
From there it was doctor after doctor, test after test, scan after scan. Then after blood work they determined I had a thyroid problem. GREAT! That's why I'm so fat.... or not. Believe it or not, I was HYPERthyroid at 285lbs. Apparently in slight cases hyperthyroid can make people overnight as it makes you want to eat more. Great thanks for that one stupid body. I started to be treated for hyperthyroid which then put my to hypothyroid. Doc says, I'll fix you (in his best English), this after I've gained oh about 50lbs in 4-5 months. Meanwhile I started to get these shakes. At first just little trembles until they turned into full on seizures. Ok this is NOT normal. Back to general doc... oh its your thyroid and anxiety, here have more pills. Endo... its your thyroid, let me fix you (in best English again). During this time period I had 2 CAT scans, an MRI and a EEG of the brain and nothing was found. Finally my general doc had put me on Cymbalta at night and Xanax during the day. I was on so much medication of course my stress and anxiety went away and I felt great for about a month then it all came back... again.
I should mention while all this is going on, my job has been very supportive and working with me. BUT my job is to be on the phone all day, training Law Firms and Corporations, teaching classes and individuals on our companies website. If I had one of these episodes/seizures I couldn't function. My speech was slurred, my eyes rolled back in my head. Luckily this never happened ON the phone. But along with that, I lost my concentration trying to run reports or writing emails. Making stupid mistakes and beating myself up over it. I started to get to work early and stay late just to make sure I was getting all I needed to done. It got to the point I would have to proof read my emails 5 times before sending. Really not helpful towards my OCD I was starting to notice here and there! Reports that should take me 30 minutes would take me hours and there would STILL be mistakes. I hated this. I hated not being on top of my game and just beat myself up more. It got to the point where my boss had to put me on a "plan". That just killed me and my self-esteem. I had a goal to reach and if I reached this goal in the time period, I was fine. I busted my ass, took my Xanax, and kicked that goals ass!
Then it all went downhill again. To the point where everyone at work knew I wasn't myself, I was out of it. Everyone told me I just had this blankness to me. It looked like no one was home. Something was wrong. What is wrong with her? Is she on drugs?? (yes this was asked to my boss!) Common people you've known be for 5+ years!
Finally my main boss pulled me in her office and said, go home. You can't be here. Stop worrying about work and worry about YOU. You need to take care of YOU and figure out what is wrong. Its been too long. So here I am....
I went to a new genera doctor. A women who focuses on women's health and holistic healing. She does not believe in just throwing me some drugs to make me feel better without getting to the route of things. After seeing her, she pretty much determined that luckily there was nothing wrong with me neurologically. But now we have to look at the other part of the brain. Pretty much she believes (as I do now also) is that I have something called Conversion Disorder. I put my body under so much stress that it couldn't process all the stress and anxiety and so it took it out as a sickness- the seizures. Since I've been out of work these past 2 weeks, the seizures have gone from multiple a day to 1 a day at most and the shakes are almost not noticeable. I'm waiting now to see a Psychotherapist. She will determine exact cause and treat as necessary. It was hard for me to come to terms with, its your mind making you sick. But ya know what it makes total sense from all I've read. I'm also going to see a new Endocrinologist about my thyroid. My mom recommended I read this book, The Thyroid Solution, and it talks about thyroid imbalances and how it can relate to stress/anxiety and depression. HELLO! That's ME!
So these past few weeks I've been taking alot of time for me. Relaxing, reading, learning how to naturally control my stress and anxiety. Depressions is another demon I'll have to deal with . I'm actually looking forward to seeing a therapist. I need the help. Especially these past few months, I hate myself. I've never been so fat, I've never not taken care of myself, I hate how I can't do all the physical things I used to do. That's why I'm here now. Hopefully some of you may be able to relate (if you are still with me at this point!) and I'm starting the journey to a new me now.
I've decided Weight Watchers is the way to go. I lost so much weight last time, I can do it again. I did start to count calories at one point a few weeks ago which did help but I think I need Weight Watchers. Plus I think the meetings will be great for me right now. The leader on Mondays is real great and I'm going to go back to her. Start fresh. Take the initial hit of seeing that outrageous number on the scale. But stick with me. I am strong and will make it through all these life struggles....
I've started a blog previously following my weight loss journey but never kept up with it. I've also had freewebs pages I've created but again never kept up. I admire those of you who have created this pages/blogs to follow your weight loss journeys. They are all so motivating and I can relate to them so much sometimes. So here I am.... again. I actually have the time on my hands now to keep track of my progress and its all in good timing as I'm getting ready to start my journey yet again.
A little (or alot) background on me...
I've had much success with Weight Watchers about 3-4 years ago. I lost about 70-75lb. Wow its crazy how time flies. I was getting married and very motivated. Also, I trained for a 3 day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer which put me in the best shape of my life. After that walk, everything went downhill.
Since then life has taken over. I was newly married and as most of say, got comfortable. But then within the past year I've faced alot of medical problems. Hence why I have time now to blog, I've been out of work on short term leave for 2 weeks now and probably have another 2-3 weeks at least ahead of me.
Things started last July/August where I was so tired out of no where. I have never been so tired in my life. Then I started to not sleep at night on top of that. Then started to get weak, started to get dizzy spells, and finally blacked out while driving on the highway one morning. Luckily it was brief, the "rumble strips" snapped me out of it and I was ok.... kind of. I was very scared and that scared me to see a doctor. Very first thing my new general doctor tells me is, "you are fat and depressed." um what?? NOT what I wanted to hear right now (even though I knew it was the truth). I was told to follow a lower carb diet (yeah right) and was put on anti-depressants.
From there it was doctor after doctor, test after test, scan after scan. Then after blood work they determined I had a thyroid problem. GREAT! That's why I'm so fat.... or not. Believe it or not, I was HYPERthyroid at 285lbs. Apparently in slight cases hyperthyroid can make people overnight as it makes you want to eat more. Great thanks for that one stupid body. I started to be treated for hyperthyroid which then put my to hypothyroid. Doc says, I'll fix you (in his best English), this after I've gained oh about 50lbs in 4-5 months. Meanwhile I started to get these shakes. At first just little trembles until they turned into full on seizures. Ok this is NOT normal. Back to general doc... oh its your thyroid and anxiety, here have more pills. Endo... its your thyroid, let me fix you (in best English again). During this time period I had 2 CAT scans, an MRI and a EEG of the brain and nothing was found. Finally my general doc had put me on Cymbalta at night and Xanax during the day. I was on so much medication of course my stress and anxiety went away and I felt great for about a month then it all came back... again.
I should mention while all this is going on, my job has been very supportive and working with me. BUT my job is to be on the phone all day, training Law Firms and Corporations, teaching classes and individuals on our companies website. If I had one of these episodes/seizures I couldn't function. My speech was slurred, my eyes rolled back in my head. Luckily this never happened ON the phone. But along with that, I lost my concentration trying to run reports or writing emails. Making stupid mistakes and beating myself up over it. I started to get to work early and stay late just to make sure I was getting all I needed to done. It got to the point I would have to proof read my emails 5 times before sending. Really not helpful towards my OCD I was starting to notice here and there! Reports that should take me 30 minutes would take me hours and there would STILL be mistakes. I hated this. I hated not being on top of my game and just beat myself up more. It got to the point where my boss had to put me on a "plan". That just killed me and my self-esteem. I had a goal to reach and if I reached this goal in the time period, I was fine. I busted my ass, took my Xanax, and kicked that goals ass!
Then it all went downhill again. To the point where everyone at work knew I wasn't myself, I was out of it. Everyone told me I just had this blankness to me. It looked like no one was home. Something was wrong. What is wrong with her? Is she on drugs?? (yes this was asked to my boss!) Common people you've known be for 5+ years!
Finally my main boss pulled me in her office and said, go home. You can't be here. Stop worrying about work and worry about YOU. You need to take care of YOU and figure out what is wrong. Its been too long. So here I am....
I went to a new genera doctor. A women who focuses on women's health and holistic healing. She does not believe in just throwing me some drugs to make me feel better without getting to the route of things. After seeing her, she pretty much determined that luckily there was nothing wrong with me neurologically. But now we have to look at the other part of the brain. Pretty much she believes (as I do now also) is that I have something called Conversion Disorder. I put my body under so much stress that it couldn't process all the stress and anxiety and so it took it out as a sickness- the seizures. Since I've been out of work these past 2 weeks, the seizures have gone from multiple a day to 1 a day at most and the shakes are almost not noticeable. I'm waiting now to see a Psychotherapist. She will determine exact cause and treat as necessary. It was hard for me to come to terms with, its your mind making you sick. But ya know what it makes total sense from all I've read. I'm also going to see a new Endocrinologist about my thyroid. My mom recommended I read this book, The Thyroid Solution, and it talks about thyroid imbalances and how it can relate to stress/anxiety and depression. HELLO! That's ME!
So these past few weeks I've been taking alot of time for me. Relaxing, reading, learning how to naturally control my stress and anxiety. Depressions is another demon I'll have to deal with . I'm actually looking forward to seeing a therapist. I need the help. Especially these past few months, I hate myself. I've never been so fat, I've never not taken care of myself, I hate how I can't do all the physical things I used to do. That's why I'm here now. Hopefully some of you may be able to relate (if you are still with me at this point!) and I'm starting the journey to a new me now.
I've decided Weight Watchers is the way to go. I lost so much weight last time, I can do it again. I did start to count calories at one point a few weeks ago which did help but I think I need Weight Watchers. Plus I think the meetings will be great for me right now. The leader on Mondays is real great and I'm going to go back to her. Start fresh. Take the initial hit of seeing that outrageous number on the scale. But stick with me. I am strong and will make it through all these life struggles....
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