Thursday, April 8, 2010

My first post...errr book?

Welcome to Confessions of Ro aka Repeat Offender! This blog is going to be mostly about my struggles with weight loss (and gains) but also about the struggles I face in life, in general.

I've started a blog previously following my weight loss journey but never kept up with it. I've also had freewebs pages I've created but again never kept up. I admire those of you who have created this pages/blogs to follow your weight loss journeys. They are all so motivating and I can relate to them so much sometimes. So here I am.... again. I actually have the time on my hands now to keep track of my progress and its all in good timing as I'm getting ready to start my journey yet again.

A little (or alot) background on me...

I've had much success with Weight Watchers about 3-4 years ago. I lost about 70-75lb. Wow its crazy how time flies. I was getting married and very motivated. Also, I trained for a 3 day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer which put me in the best shape of my life. After that walk, everything went downhill.

Since then life has taken over. I was newly married and as most of say, got comfortable. But then within the past year I've faced alot of medical problems. Hence why I have time now to blog, I've been out of work on short term leave for 2 weeks now and probably have another 2-3 weeks at least ahead of me.

Things started last July/August where I was so tired out of no where. I have never been so tired in my life. Then I started to not sleep at night on top of that. Then started to get weak, started to get dizzy spells, and finally blacked out while driving on the highway one morning. Luckily it was brief, the "rumble strips" snapped me out of it and I was ok.... kind of. I was very scared and that scared me to see a doctor. Very first thing my new general doctor tells me is, "you are fat and depressed." um what?? NOT what I wanted to hear right now (even though I knew it was the truth). I was told to follow a lower carb diet (yeah right) and was put on anti-depressants.

From there it was doctor after doctor, test after test, scan after scan. Then after blood work they determined I had a thyroid problem. GREAT! That's why I'm so fat.... or not. Believe it or not, I was HYPERthyroid at 285lbs. Apparently in slight cases hyperthyroid can make people overnight as it makes you want to eat more. Great thanks for that one stupid body. I started to be treated for hyperthyroid which then put my to hypothyroid. Doc says, I'll fix you (in his best English), this after I've gained oh about 50lbs in 4-5 months. Meanwhile I started to get these shakes. At first just little trembles until they turned into full on seizures. Ok this is NOT normal. Back to general doc... oh its your thyroid and anxiety, here have more pills. Endo... its your thyroid, let me fix you (in best English again). During this time period I had 2 CAT scans, an MRI and a EEG of the brain and nothing was found. Finally my general doc had put me on Cymbalta at night and Xanax during the day. I was on so much medication of course my stress and anxiety went away and I felt great for about a month then it all came back... again.

I should mention while all this is going on, my job has been very supportive and working with me. BUT my job is to be on the phone all day, training Law Firms and Corporations, teaching classes and individuals on our companies website. If I had one of these episodes/seizures I couldn't function. My speech was slurred, my eyes rolled back in my head. Luckily this never happened ON the phone. But along with that, I lost my concentration trying to run reports or writing emails. Making stupid mistakes and beating myself up over it. I started to get to work early and stay late just to make sure I was getting all I needed to done. It got to the point I would have to proof read my emails 5 times before sending. Really not helpful towards my OCD I was starting to notice here and there! Reports that should take me 30 minutes would take me hours and there would STILL be mistakes. I hated this. I hated not being on top of my game and just beat myself up more. It got to the point where my boss had to put me on a "plan". That just killed me and my self-esteem. I had a goal to reach and if I reached this goal in the time period, I was fine. I busted my ass, took my Xanax, and kicked that goals ass!

Then it all went downhill again. To the point where everyone at work knew I wasn't myself, I was out of it. Everyone told me I just had this blankness to me. It looked like no one was home. Something was wrong. What is wrong with her? Is she on drugs?? (yes this was asked to my boss!) Common people you've known be for 5+ years!
Finally my main boss pulled me in her office and said, go home. You can't be here. Stop worrying about work and worry about YOU. You need to take care of YOU and figure out what is wrong. Its been too long. So here I am....

I went to a new genera doctor. A women who focuses on women's health and holistic healing. She does not believe in just throwing me some drugs to make me feel better without getting to the route of things. After seeing her, she pretty much determined that luckily there was nothing wrong with me neurologically. But now we have to look at the other part of the brain. Pretty much she believes (as I do now also) is that I have something called Conversion Disorder. I put my body under so much stress that it couldn't process all the stress and anxiety and so it took it out as a sickness- the seizures. Since I've been out of work these past 2 weeks, the seizures have gone from multiple a day to 1 a day at most and the shakes are almost not noticeable. I'm waiting now to see a Psychotherapist. She will determine exact cause and treat as necessary. It was hard for me to come to terms with, its your mind making you sick. But ya know what it makes total sense from all I've read. I'm also going to see a new Endocrinologist about my thyroid. My mom recommended I read this book, The Thyroid Solution, and it talks about thyroid imbalances and how it can relate to stress/anxiety and depression. HELLO! That's ME!

So these past few weeks I've been taking alot of time for me. Relaxing, reading, learning how to naturally control my stress and anxiety. Depressions is another demon I'll have to deal with . I'm actually looking forward to seeing a therapist. I need the help. Especially these past few months, I hate myself. I've never been so fat, I've never not taken care of myself, I hate how I can't do all the physical things I used to do. That's why I'm here now. Hopefully some of you may be able to relate (if you are still with me at this point!) and I'm starting the journey to a new me now.

I've decided Weight Watchers is the way to go. I lost so much weight last time, I can do it again. I did start to count calories at one point a few weeks ago which did help but I think I need Weight Watchers. Plus I think the meetings will be great for me right now. The leader on Mondays is real great and I'm going to go back to her. Start fresh. Take the initial hit of seeing that outrageous number on the scale. But stick with me. I am strong and will make it through all these life struggles....

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